With record-setting popstar Taylor Swift releasing her newest album, many would expect excitement and the usual supportive buzz… there was certainly a buzz, but critical may be a better descriptor. We may sound like we’re about to disagree with this criticism, but we are not. As a true Swift neutral, we lack the loyalty which Swifties feel they must maintain, as well as the predisposition to disdain that haters possess. We have our own unique flavor of bias.
We’ll make it easy for you, I, Liv, will be in this font from now on, meanwhile, I, Moira, will be using this one.
12. It’s Giving Pick Me
5th on the album but last in our hearts, Eldest Daughters has given us such intense secondhand embarrassment that when we had to relisten, we almost scrapped this article.
No, we’re not kidding. Eldest Daughter is widely considered the worst song on the album by a long shot. That’s not coming from us either; the Swifties themselves aren’t exactly thrilled by the track on their end.
I mean, let’s be honest and look into the lyrics a bit more. With insightful lines such as “I’m not a bad b-, this isn’t savage,” how could people ever hate?
As a youngest daughter, I can honestly say I’ve never heard my older sister talk the way T-Swizzle talks on this album.
Also, hey Taylor, hey girl, listen let’s not copy ourselves. Because, you know what song was disturbingly similar to champagne problems, this little number. That’s a champagne problem. Also, this issue isn’t exclusive to this musical monstrosity; it’ll be a reoccurring trend, I promise.
For all the nerds out there who think music theory is the most riveting subject on the face of the earth, you’ll be happy to know that this song is also terrible within that lens! Taylor Swift’s music has done this weird thing for years now where it stays on the root of the scale, maybe pushes up to a fourth or fifth to end a phrase and goes right back down again. This is probably the furthest someone could get from being musically interesting.
Most of the time, we also find her singing straight quarter notes, or maybe straight eighth notes if she’s feeling feisty. The funny thing is, she doesn’t move pitches whatsoever in these moments. Once again, she stays on the root of the chord, brings it to a fourth or a fifth to end it, and goes right back to the root for her next line.
But it’s fine! Surely this won’t happen in the rest of the album… right?
11. Woah Taylor, Your WHAT is Bigger?
Next up, we have the fourth song on the album, Father Figure where Taylor shows off her… interesting lyricism again (noticing a trend?). The song, meant to be a commentary on the dark side of the music industry, feels like something ChatGPT would cook up with the prompt “give me a girl power anthem, written like Katy Perry’s Woman’s World but edgier and far more monotone”.
See because at least Katy Perry doesn’t stay one note for the entire song. Father Figure by Taylor Swift is, without a shadow of a doubt, a song written by a rich white woman pretending to have relatable struggles. Listen, when I say rich, I don’t just mean like a million dollars either; Taylor Swift is a multi-billionaire. Yes, billionaire, with a “B.” Her problems are so far removed from that of her audience’s that they might as well have flung themselves into the ocean, sank to the bottom, and slipped into the actual center of the earth.
With an opening that sounds reminiscent of yet another of Katy’s hits, Roar, this song is definitely a solid 11th place. Despite admittedly catchy beats, the lyrics are questionable at best, and uncomfortable at worst. Her repetition of a certain, non-school appropriate line, in a vocal tone that sounds almost choral, is… jarring.
In fact I fear, Olivia, in fact I fear.
10. I Wi$h This Song Was Over
Though this $ong does admittedly $ound more like Taylor from a vocals standpoint, this really shows $abrina’s influence on this album. This may be a positive or negative influence depending on your taste, but as $omewhat of a fan of $abrina, this $tyle of lyricism feels forced coming from Taylor.
With such riveting lyrics as “wow” and “boss up,” this song landed in a solid tenth place on our personal wi$hlist. Sabrina Carpenter is, at the very least, a good singer. The issue with her overwhelming influence on this album is that Taylor’s brand is built on authenticity and seriousness, while Sabrina’s brand is built on comedic ideas and setting them to music.
These lyrics are not indicative of the artist that sold out stadiums four times over in her Eras Tour, they’re indicative of someone trying to fit into a mold that they don’t fit into. I think it’s also important to note that Sabrina Carpenter’s newest album, Man’s Best Friend, while having several popular soundbites on TikTok, has been highly controversial as well due to most fans believing it to be a step down from Short and Sweet.
The point is, the song isn’t very good, and I’d love it to be removed from the trackli$t.
$peaking of this $ounding like $abrina, do me a favor, listen to Tears by $abrina then come back to this $ong… If you’re beginning to notice a reoccurring issue of this album $ounding like a $trange conglomeration of other artists, don’t worry, you’ll only see more!
9. I, Personally, Do Not Like My Friends Cancelled
In a time when several of Tay Tay’s friends are indeed cloaked in scandal, saying that she prefers them that way is not exactly a PR move, and, in Cancelled! that’s exactly what she proudly exclaims.
When I listened to this song for the first time, I fully thought she was gonna pull out a ukelele and start belting about the “toxic gossip train.” If anybody has TikTok, I’d just like to say that this whole song feels like that one “smug” emoji that looks like the following picture, you know what I mean?
Now don’t get me wrong, this song could be great… emphasis on COULD. A song which could be about defending one’s closest friends despite the controversy that celebrities face COULD be charming. However, when you are referring to a dear girlfriend that is in an ongoing legal battle, it’s a choice, that’s for sure.
8. That’s an Interesting Duet
Did she just seriously call the listeners kittens? If you just listened to The Life of a Showgirl, you didn’t mishear. Like what? Also, what kind of fathers are we talking about here? (Please the grammar).
No seriously, the grammar. One of the words she uses in the song, The Life of a Showgirl, literally doesn’t exist. This isn’t a Louis Armstrong scenario with scatting either, she actually made up the word “legitly” to fit her rhyme scheme. Hypothetically, what if we went with the word “legitimately” or “literally?” Like ma’am you are not Dr. Seuss. Or Shakespeare.
Also, the rhymes, hello A-A-A-A-A rhyme scheme (yes, I do mean five I REPEAT, FIVE LINES of the same rhyme). Kitty, pretty, witty, city… legitly? Wonderful words, call her a thesaurus and prepare to be in shock and awe. Don’t even fret, that rhyme scheme carries through the entire song. Though admittedly Seussical in rhyme, this titular song ultimately feels bland. Though I have been humming the chorus for the past 3 hours so…
7. Wait, What is This Song About?
Wow, I actually really like this beat! It’s so catchy and works with her lyrics… but something’s wrong.
Yeah, doesn’t this song sound familiar? It’s almost like it belongs in a certain Pixar movie about Cars.
Or like a certain 2015 single from an EP by a Canadian Pop and R&B singer whose name starts with Alessia and ends with Cara. Maybe?
That’s so interesting, it’s like it’s a combination of both of those songs but with worse lyrics!
But this combo goes by the name Wood. If it’s not enough that it’s a near pitch perfect reflection of two other songs, it’s also about an incredibly uncomfortable topic. One that I will not get into in this school newspaper.
But that’s not all, there’s more, the lyrics are a different flavor of interesting, with the obvious attempts to play on several superstitions, what could have been a myriad of cool plays on words instead delivers as a strange nursery rhythm or children’s book.
On that note, I “wood” like to move on to the next ranking please, that last line actually made me shudder with how insane it was. If you’d like to know why, open up your music app of choice and take a quick gander at the last line of this song.
6. I Forgot This Song was on the Album
When re-listening to this album I had entirely forgotten about the third song on this album, Opalite. It is admittedly bland, but inoffensive and frankly lacks anything positive or negative to talk about.
Honestly, that’s why this spot made the most sense to us. This song is pretty middle-of-the-road, and placing it dead center of the list felt fitting. Personally, I think the song is catchy, and it kind of brought me back to Taylor’s “Lover” era. Even still, the song is nothing to write home about, but it’s certainly a cute pop number.
I even caught myself nodding to the beat but even as I attempt to put into words how I feel about this song, I can’t because the best way to explain it would be a shrug. I honestly have nothing else to say.
5. Kind of a Sweet Song?
On the tail end of the album, Honey was a genuinely pleasant surprise. Was it a song I loved? No. Liked? Maybe? I’m frankly not sure, some of the lyrics are still enough to make me pull up Genius to make sure I didn’t mishear (“baddest in the land,” “forever-night stand?” Really Taylor?), but it isn’t all bad. Plus, the beat is quite catchy, and it feels far less one-dimensional than many of the other songs on this album.
Yeah, I agree completely. I think that the experiences she’s detailing in the song are relatable to plenty of people. I actually like how she touches on body image issues and the ways that men have tried to put her down using terms of endearment like “sweetheart.” I use the word “endearment” lightly because we all know that when someone uses that word in conversation, it’s probably because they want to seem smarter than you.
I think that having a song about a specific person being the only one allowed to call you something is actually appealing. I certainly have things that I only allow my friends to do and boundaries that no one should cross. The song itself is pretty meh, but it’s hard to hate on something that comes from a place of shared experience.
Overall, this was a pretty solid song. Will it make it into my playlist? Probably not, but I don’t hate it.
4. Holy Bass Boost
Second song on the album, Elizabeth Taylor feels quintessentially Taylor Swift. Now I actually kind of liked this song, the lyrics are… better, and the beat has me humming along. The way she layers her voice at the end actually sounds quite nice and this is the start of songs that I could see myself not skipping on a Spotify playlist.
I could see this ending up on my background music playlist. Once again, it’s nothing special, but it’s not overtly awful. Like Liv said, I kind of enjoyed the layering at the end. This song also suffers from that one thing we talked about earlier -specifically in the verses- about not being musically interesting. Fortunately, it’s more bearable with this song since at least the lyrics didn’t make me uncomfortable.
Some of the lyrics still didn’t make much sense, but they also didn’t make me want to be swallowed whole by the ground. This felt so much less like Taylor trying desperately to fit into the current culture of pop music, she leaned more into her typical style.
3. Actually, an Alright Song
Song number seven on the album, Actually Romantic is seemingly a diss on Charli XCX who had a recent boost in fame this past summer with her Brat album. As much as we both like Charli, we had to admit, this is a decently catchy song.
Don’t get me wrong, I think it’s really petty that when Charli XCX released a song talking about her insecurities relating to other pop singers, Taylor Swift responded with a diss track. The phrase “like a toy chihuahua barking at me from a tiny purse” is particularly vicious and meanspirited.
This aside, the song itself is actually pretty good. It’s in line with Taylor’s brand and, from a marketing standpoint, it certainly gets people talking about her music.
But, when listening I kept getting the beat at the start of the song stuck in my head. At first, I thought “wow I may actually kinda like this song, it’s genuinely stuck in my head.” But as I continually tapped my pencil or hummed to the beat I finally realized why. It shares the exact same beat as Victoria’s Secret, a song by Jax that went viral when it was released to stream three years ago. Taylor, girl, come up with some semblance of a new beat, please.
2. I See You with the Syllables
The first song of the album, and likely most viral, The Fate of Ophelia was a pleasant surprise. The song is genuinely an enjoyable listen, we liked her use of more advanced wording (melancholy, purgatory, I see you girl), and the tone shift in the last half.
Though it isn’t number one on our list, I think this song might be my personal favorite. It’s catchy, and I love the references to spiraling and feeling like you’re going crazy over heartbreaking things. I can appreciate how she talks about her fiancé in this song as well, essentially saying that he saved her from the fate of Ophelia. It’s actually some really good stuff!
This song also got to show off her vocals slightly better. Though the weird eldest daughter trope was brought up again, this song was so much catchier an even more meaningful than the others that we could ignore the odd reference.
1. Ok, I See You
At the midpoint of the album, Ruin the Friendship tops our personal list. Despite Taylor’s vocals generally seeming repetitive, the meaning of this song is far more interesting and clearer.
Taylor’s reminiscing about someone she’s lost that was taken too soon. The topic of the song is extremely relatable, the topic being that she never had the chance to confess her feelings to someone in her past until it was too late.
The song grapples with the feeling of loss and grief, while maintaining a fairly upbeat background track. I really enjoyed this track in particular because she’s actually talking about someone other than Travis Kelce in a positive light.
With it being about a friend who passed a few years ago, it is far easier to sympathize and listen to these lyrics with actual interest.
Final Thoughts
Well, you made it to the end. Congratulations! You managed to read 2,761 words by two women that believe that a fun afternoon includes drinking tea and talking about dismantling the patriarchy.
We promise that it was more laborious for us to get through than you, if you can imagine that.
But for real, this album overall doesn’t seem to match the same quality of music Taylor typically releases. Ultimately, none of these songs will ever be something I’ll seek out, but some I wouldn’t necessarily skip either.
This album is filled with subpar writing and a lack of musical intrigue, but we’d like to reiterate that this is just our opinion, and that we mean no harm to Taylor herself, we just wish she’d lock in and give us some great music like we know she’s capable of doing.
But don’t worry too much, after all, maybe we just have too many opinions.
